I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
