He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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