I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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