I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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