I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
