I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
