I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
