did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
