if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
