Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
our cab driver is having phone sex.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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