I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
