I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I am naked and annoyed.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize