I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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