alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
