i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
