I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I smell like Dick and happiness
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