Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
