1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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