not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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