he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
