First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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