youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Barsexuality is the new black.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
