then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
