the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
