I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
