I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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