Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
