he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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