I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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