I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
