I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
