Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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