DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
