I just pynch a tree in the face
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
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