She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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