i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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