: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
