She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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