were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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