what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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