He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
