So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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