his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
