and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
she told me i tasted like america
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
