Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
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