You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
