I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
