I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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