just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
