Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
