Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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