how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Drake has all the answers
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
