dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
