After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
