I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
