Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
