I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
