I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
