how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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