Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
