I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
