Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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