it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
