You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
